Part 4: If only She knew...

If only she knew that yes, I am in love. Madly in love I would say. I feel so much I don’t even know how to feel anything about anyone else.

Love, without question, is the strongest of words floating out there, it scares me…

I am scared to love, without a doubt.

Not because I fear hardships with a person, disagreements, tears shed out of joy or distress, or the insanity that comes with all the emotional rollercoasters. Not because I fear putting in effort, investing all the time I possess or creating time for them that I do not possess. I fear rejection, I fear losing a friend, I just straight up fear losing someone regardless of their status in my life…

It really sucks though that I can’t choose who I fall in Love with, and Love is one of those God given gifts to mankind, the harder we try not to Love, the harder we end up Loving…

Love is terrifyingly stunning.

I struggle immensely to accept that Love can be a freight train travelling in one direction, and one direction only. It really looms over me more and more and more and more every single day – you can really love someone without them loving you back. It is really all that simple. You can love someone without them loving you back. This is the exact reason why I would never tell her that I am in love with her…

But like, what if? What if she felt the same way as I do? What if she envisions Love the same way I do? I guess that means neither of us would ever know about the love we feel for one another – because I am too much of a coward to open my mouth, which would make her one as well…Just two geese migrating in opposite directions.

If only she knew what she did to my mental state, my mental health, my mental capacity, because she takes up every empty inch of this mental cavity…If only she knew what that smile did to me, what that darn smile does to me, how I wish that smile was a part of me - oh, how I wish that smile would belong to me…I wish we were one…

What eats at my mind is: “ If we don’t tell people how we feel, how will they know? ”

It saddens me how quickly people fall in love with a version of someone, a version that lives in their fantasy, a fantasy where that someone is perfect, just reflections of who they want that person to be. It just exists in their imagination… In very precise words, people pursue a perfect version of someone – which most definitely does not exist in this world – instead of trying to be the perfect person for someone…

But little does she know that she is perfect. Never mind, no she isn’t perfect. Like I said, people paint this image of a perfect person that doesn’t exist. If I was to do that, I would have to look at myself and ask – Am I perfect? And I know the answer to that. And that is the beauty behind it all quite simply. When you truly love someone, regardless of all human minded factors and imagination, they become your own definition of perfect.

That is what she is.

My definition of perfect.

If only She knew…

11/12/2021